i have never been one to express physical affection...well i kinda cringe from it...and it extends to all relatives...
Be it d slightest peck on d cheek from ma, or d biggest bear-hugs from my dad, or any show of affection (al of dem jst try)...i whine, flinch , wriggle....do practicaly nethn within my range of politness to escape it... and the beauty of it...i dont understand y....
i hav nothing against people showing displays of love and affection, but as long i m just a spectator to the drama....and not involved in any way... i could imagine myself lyk a witless gladiator trying to save his life from inevitable torture...rather than sweet death...
a person wouldnt do a good job with a choked throat.... or a pretty bad verbal vocab...or a face which expresses feelings opposite to what is actualy in my mind...
i woudnt want someone apologising to me with a scowl on their face...and that someone usualy is me...apologies being my greatest fear...not because i dont regret making mistakes....but because my guts take off on a holiday when i need them the most to face somebody, who deserves more than just a sorry..!
but i do have normal human feelings and the required range of emotions inspite of this phobia... so my outlet for my these displays of affection and love comes in the form of words....
as i kid, i had more than just a few quarrels with my parents, mostly...my mom. At times when d fight ended, my mom would be too hurt to argue further, and that would cause my heart to literaly shrivel up... d kinda feeling dat wants u to wish for lightening to strike u. I hated myself then, more than ever...that i had to make it right...and in came the apologyphobia..
so i started a new line of communication... letters to ma.
they were not ur movie-adapted heart touching letters of regular intervals... but they were the best bridges between me n her...that my love could afford.
it was ironical... my words had been the cause of what they set right later...but then it proved the fact that it was useless for me to sort things out... the verbal way..
as the years passed.... the fights became rarer...but then each became more intense and complicated.... handling a growing daughter is something i could imagine, but wouldnt want to realy...
my letters became fewer too....but the content of each of these... were something i couldnt have been ever been to tell my mother...at least face to face...
i thought i hid behind the written words....but i realised i opened myself more and more to ma... and i think she does too...
my last letter wasnt one of apology or regret.on her birthday, almost a month back, for lack of any ideas of good gifts, i thought of instead giving her something that she realy deserved....my love of her love..and her...
we both cried...i while writing the letter...and she after reading it... in a good way obviously....it was a wonderful birthday....cherished...
we have our differences...we argue... i still avoid any displays of affection...and she still tries to change my mind...mostly without success...
but then this is what relationships are about....i ges... my mom and her emotinally handicapped daughter...
and i wouldnt have it any other way..!
