when u really like someone for the first time in your life, life sort of becomes different.... hard and tough would be my favorite words to describe it as of right now. when the guy u like has absolutely no clue it just becomes....well harder and tougher. to be honest... i hate it.
u start realizing the actual meaning of the phrase "its complicated" when you are in this particular situation. u keep battling with yourself...conflicting thoughts...are some of the basic symptoms. each word exchanged in a conversation between u n 'him' is repeatedly passed through a long uncertain analysis which yield numerous and yet more uncertain scenarios which are contradictory to each other...but at the same time could be completely true. you cease to be a relationship expert who used to hand out highly appreciated advice to your poor friends clinging on to u as if u are the last messiah on the planet as far their relationship troubles are concerned... instead u become one of them yourself...only you dont have anyone to consult because you think the case is hopeless and a waste of time.
i wish like every other girl with a 'problem'...there was some universal code that one could refer to... some kind of a rule book that offered a solution to every conceivable type of guy and how to go about dealing with them. it could be like a high school biology book where each type of a guy could be listed as a specimen and their respective characteristics could be listed alphabetically or any order to make things easy. anything would work right now for me...only if it made life as it is easy.
lets name the guy the cupid decided to make me fall in love with...well ted..( i am in a 'how i met your mother' phase). the good thing in this cliched situation is he knows i exist... but apart from a few brief friendly conversations with highly irregular intervals... i dont have a even a slight clue about his immediate whereabouts. it doesnt help at all when ted does an absolute freaking job of ignoring my last few tries at another conversation. i have my dignity...and i admit my fair share of ego which doesnt help at all... especially when i have been completely careful in not revealing my 'feelings' for him. i dont really like the prospect of being a stalker...ever...so in a few choice words... I am stuck..!
i cant go anywhere from here. its like that adventure or strategy game where you really need the next clue or you cant move to the next level at all. i have been stuck at this level for quite some time...and i cant even quit the game...because...i am sorry for writing another cliche...but love really doesnt have any exits...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
To all d single ladies....!
Perks wen u hav a boyfriend...
1. Your very own free recharge service
2. home delivery 4 virtualy nethn
3. Booze At nyt....
4. Punching bag/softest pillow
5. Personal mirror-on-d-wall
6. d perfect santa 2 make everyday a perfect christmas..
7. Fellow insomniac with unlimited night calling
8. Your uncalled for pepper-spray
9. Favourite victim 4 emotinal blackmail
10. D ryt audience 4 ur talents n tantrums
11. Slave 2 d magic of d word 'please'
12. Human handkerchief 4 ur waterworks....
13. D guy who wud lov u no matter wat, even aftr readin dis...!
1. Your very own free recharge service
2. home delivery 4 virtualy nethn
3. Booze At nyt....
4. Punching bag/softest pillow
5. Personal mirror-on-d-wall
6. d perfect santa 2 make everyday a perfect christmas..
7. Fellow insomniac with unlimited night calling
8. Your uncalled for pepper-spray
9. Favourite victim 4 emotinal blackmail
10. D ryt audience 4 ur talents n tantrums
11. Slave 2 d magic of d word 'please'
12. Human handkerchief 4 ur waterworks....
13. D guy who wud lov u no matter wat, even aftr readin dis...!
Monday, March 8, 2010
PS.. love u ma..
i have never been one to express physical affection...well i kinda cringe from it...and it extends to all relatives...
Be it d slightest peck on d cheek from ma, or d biggest bear-hugs from my dad, or any show of affection (al of dem jst try)...i whine, flinch , wriggle....do practicaly nethn within my range of politness to escape it... and the beauty of it...i dont understand y....
i hav nothing against people showing displays of love and affection, but as long i m just a spectator to the drama....and not involved in any way... i could imagine myself lyk a witless gladiator trying to save his life from inevitable torture...rather than sweet death...
a person wouldnt do a good job with a choked throat.... or a pretty bad verbal vocab...or a face which expresses feelings opposite to what is actualy in my mind...
i woudnt want someone apologising to me with a scowl on their face...and that someone usualy is me...apologies being my greatest fear...not because i dont regret making mistakes....but because my guts take off on a holiday when i need them the most to face somebody, who deserves more than just a sorry..!
but i do have normal human feelings and the required range of emotions inspite of this phobia... so my outlet for my these displays of affection and love comes in the form of words....
as i kid, i had more than just a few quarrels with my parents, mostly...my mom. At times when d fight ended, my mom would be too hurt to argue further, and that would cause my heart to literaly shrivel up... d kinda feeling dat wants u to wish for lightening to strike u. I hated myself then, more than ever...that i had to make it right...and in came the apologyphobia..
so i started a new line of communication... letters to ma.
they were not ur movie-adapted heart touching letters of regular intervals... but they were the best bridges between me n her...that my love could afford.
it was ironical... my words had been the cause of what they set right later...but then it proved the fact that it was useless for me to sort things out... the verbal way..
as the years passed.... the fights became rarer...but then each became more intense and complicated.... handling a growing daughter is something i could imagine, but wouldnt want to realy...
my letters became fewer too....but the content of each of these... were something i couldnt have been ever been to tell my mother...at least face to face...
i thought i hid behind the written words....but i realised i opened myself more and more to ma... and i think she does too...
my last letter wasnt one of apology or regret.on her birthday, almost a month back, for lack of any ideas of good gifts, i thought of instead giving her something that she realy deserved....my love of her love..and her...
we both cried...i while writing the letter...and she after reading it... in a good way obviously....it was a wonderful birthday....cherished...
we have our differences...we argue... i still avoid any displays of affection...and she still tries to change my mind...mostly without success...
but then this is what relationships are about....i ges... my mom and her emotinally handicapped daughter...
and i wouldnt have it any other way..!
Be it d slightest peck on d cheek from ma, or d biggest bear-hugs from my dad, or any show of affection (al of dem jst try)...i whine, flinch , wriggle....do practicaly nethn within my range of politness to escape it... and the beauty of it...i dont understand y....
i hav nothing against people showing displays of love and affection, but as long i m just a spectator to the drama....and not involved in any way... i could imagine myself lyk a witless gladiator trying to save his life from inevitable torture...rather than sweet death...
a person wouldnt do a good job with a choked throat.... or a pretty bad verbal vocab...or a face which expresses feelings opposite to what is actualy in my mind...
i woudnt want someone apologising to me with a scowl on their face...and that someone usualy is me...apologies being my greatest fear...not because i dont regret making mistakes....but because my guts take off on a holiday when i need them the most to face somebody, who deserves more than just a sorry..!
but i do have normal human feelings and the required range of emotions inspite of this phobia... so my outlet for my these displays of affection and love comes in the form of words....
as i kid, i had more than just a few quarrels with my parents, mostly...my mom. At times when d fight ended, my mom would be too hurt to argue further, and that would cause my heart to literaly shrivel up... d kinda feeling dat wants u to wish for lightening to strike u. I hated myself then, more than ever...that i had to make it right...and in came the apologyphobia..
so i started a new line of communication... letters to ma.
they were not ur movie-adapted heart touching letters of regular intervals... but they were the best bridges between me n her...that my love could afford.
it was ironical... my words had been the cause of what they set right later...but then it proved the fact that it was useless for me to sort things out... the verbal way..
as the years passed.... the fights became rarer...but then each became more intense and complicated.... handling a growing daughter is something i could imagine, but wouldnt want to realy...
my letters became fewer too....but the content of each of these... were something i couldnt have been ever been to tell my mother...at least face to face...
i thought i hid behind the written words....but i realised i opened myself more and more to ma... and i think she does too...
my last letter wasnt one of apology or regret.on her birthday, almost a month back, for lack of any ideas of good gifts, i thought of instead giving her something that she realy deserved....my love of her love..and her...
we both cried...i while writing the letter...and she after reading it... in a good way obviously....it was a wonderful birthday....cherished...
we have our differences...we argue... i still avoid any displays of affection...and she still tries to change my mind...mostly without success...
but then this is what relationships are about....i ges... my mom and her emotinally handicapped daughter...
and i wouldnt have it any other way..!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
anoder book, anoder lyf
i just finished another novel or more simply put, a book.. and since i am usually someone with an impossible amount of daydreams, i just tried to absorb those fading ...erm... i donno what 2 term them, its something lyk wen u eat something, their is an aftertaste that lingers... i hop u get d idea...
anyways, i realized with those afterthoughts, that i was just over with a life that i never knew i had, just by reading a book ...and finishing it...
if its a proper novel, u just discard your own life for the moment, and take on a whole new different life of the character u are reading about, be it a self-doubting virtuous detective with a melodramatic hunger for catching criminals, or a hesitant writer who has yet to encounter fame and money in his profession...or even the classic damsel in distress who cant resist the physical charms of a prince of her dreams....not that i would understand y she needs to resist them in d first place!
after each novel, i have had the opportunity to live as somebody entirely different in terms of personality, appearance....even gender.... to somebody who was uncannily familiar 2 who i was...
i took on der drinking problems, der fondness of apple pies, der dislike of body hair....
and all dis never occurred to me, even when one of those lives became over..
erm... i guess i have gone to the dark syd after al.. or its just me being crazy... gone bonkers...
but alas...now that i have thought of it..... still crazy i guess..!
anyways, i realized with those afterthoughts, that i was just over with a life that i never knew i had, just by reading a book ...and finishing it...
if its a proper novel, u just discard your own life for the moment, and take on a whole new different life of the character u are reading about, be it a self-doubting virtuous detective with a melodramatic hunger for catching criminals, or a hesitant writer who has yet to encounter fame and money in his profession...or even the classic damsel in distress who cant resist the physical charms of a prince of her dreams....not that i would understand y she needs to resist them in d first place!
after each novel, i have had the opportunity to live as somebody entirely different in terms of personality, appearance....even gender.... to somebody who was uncannily familiar 2 who i was...
i took on der drinking problems, der fondness of apple pies, der dislike of body hair....
and all dis never occurred to me, even when one of those lives became over..
erm... i guess i have gone to the dark syd after al.. or its just me being crazy... gone bonkers...
but alas...now that i have thought of it..... still crazy i guess..!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
out of nowhere blues...
Sometimes...when nothing has gone wrong...in fact everything has gone perfect ..and is still in the same track of perfection... I dont know abt others but I definitly have gone through this strange phenomena where...for no reason ...I just start feelin low..
i mean its as if things just got rudely pushed off their track of perfection and sent tumbling downhill... and the worst part... you just dont understand wat was it that got u depressed in the first place...!!
its a bane for me... to not be able to explain to anybody... what do i tell them when i myself...have no logical conclusion to this sequence of events..
and once you are in that phase of the so called depression, you just start mentally accumulating your long forgotten baggage...from remarks or comments that you got a few minutes ago .. to... permanant oroblems you suffer from regarding other members of the human race...
Its as if all wounds....fresh or old hav been ripped apart all at one time... its the greatest mental discomfort of all times..
and when somehow u ride through this unexplained emotional event in ur life... u r at a loss still den... because u stil dont realise wat it was that set it off in the first place..!
Somehow...sometimes... a human mind can play tricks on itself... without ever letting it know wat the trick was...
i mean its as if things just got rudely pushed off their track of perfection and sent tumbling downhill... and the worst part... you just dont understand wat was it that got u depressed in the first place...!!
its a bane for me... to not be able to explain to anybody... what do i tell them when i myself...have no logical conclusion to this sequence of events..
and once you are in that phase of the so called depression, you just start mentally accumulating your long forgotten baggage...from remarks or comments that you got a few minutes ago .. to... permanant oroblems you suffer from regarding other members of the human race...
Its as if all wounds....fresh or old hav been ripped apart all at one time... its the greatest mental discomfort of all times..
and when somehow u ride through this unexplained emotional event in ur life... u r at a loss still den... because u stil dont realise wat it was that set it off in the first place..!
Somehow...sometimes... a human mind can play tricks on itself... without ever letting it know wat the trick was...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The new student...
How do i begin this..?
I mean its the same feeling when u enter a class for the first time. It isnt the knowlege of being a new student which sends those jitters across ur spine but the moment, after all those days of sub-consciously waiting, when you enter that classroom for the first time....In that moment you know wat it feels to be excited, scared...apprehensive...curious.... all at the same time...
Its as if all those pent up emotions suddenly appeared out of nowhere and merged into a cold lump that went thru ur throat n fell in ur stomach... like a punch in ur guts...
But then come to think about it.....the emotions u go thru when u start ur own blog are not of the same measure as those... infact it feels more safe...
you can hide behind a display name... write or spin stories ...watever u want without having 2 go thru facin the prospect of having several pairs of eyes on u....
Everybodys got somthing to tell here...i m a lost cause in those teeming millions....
its much safer this way...
this blog myt b that old moth eaten blanket that i can bury my thoughts in ...n den either have them grow into little offshoots of new stories 2 come...or let them become the fleeting ghosts of the past experiences...
ironicaly...it all depends on me...the new student..
I mean its the same feeling when u enter a class for the first time. It isnt the knowlege of being a new student which sends those jitters across ur spine but the moment, after all those days of sub-consciously waiting, when you enter that classroom for the first time....In that moment you know wat it feels to be excited, scared...apprehensive...curious.... all at the same time...
Its as if all those pent up emotions suddenly appeared out of nowhere and merged into a cold lump that went thru ur throat n fell in ur stomach... like a punch in ur guts...
But then come to think about it.....the emotions u go thru when u start ur own blog are not of the same measure as those... infact it feels more safe...
you can hide behind a display name... write or spin stories ...watever u want without having 2 go thru facin the prospect of having several pairs of eyes on u....
Everybodys got somthing to tell here...i m a lost cause in those teeming millions....
its much safer this way...
this blog myt b that old moth eaten blanket that i can bury my thoughts in ...n den either have them grow into little offshoots of new stories 2 come...or let them become the fleeting ghosts of the past experiences...
ironicaly...it all depends on me...the new student..
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